Thread:Sainami/@comment-5173115-20140219142440/@comment-5963425-20140219165137

Hey Sam, per request I have read Raido’s content thoroughly to review him properly. If I see errors and whatnot, I will quote these and help you with rewriting it what I think is more correct. And after that I have judged if he qualifies to be grandfathered or not.

= First impression = To be honest, I have never read Raido thoroughly and only heard bits of parts from him. Therefore, upon plain sight in my opinion, Raido seemingly comes over as an overpowered character. Not only because of the Rinnegan that he has in his arsenal, but also the table of content and ability list. Now, I gave it a quick read and I must say that you do describe the section quite well. But I will stand to my point that he, at first sight, seems to be an overpowered character.

With that out, I shall continue to actually begin reading Raido thoroughly. To start with… the introduction!

= Introduction = The introduction is neat but I believe we have many Uchiha running around nowadays. Although I would suggest writing the intro more like this:

Raido X (ライド・Ｘ, Raido Ekusu) is a wandering from Yamagakure, who is a part of the. Despite holding the pride of his clan, Raido dropped his last name, and came to be known for who he today. He is infamously known for his prowess, and the legendary dōjutsu he withholds. And together with Yama, his spirit guide, the two travel the world to uncover the secrets that are hidden from the world.

= Background = The background you’ve written for Raido is sufficient enough. But you really need to keep your English grammatical and spelling in check, because I see a lot of errors. Maybe it is because you rush your writing, which, you shouldn’t have to at all. You have documents to save your work on, and when it is incomplete, you save it, and read it up later and continue your work. Well, that was a lot of “and”. Anyway, let’s move back to Raido’s background. I’m a person that easily loses interest when certain things are too long; extremely long paragraphs, no flowing, nothing surprising or like, intriguing. And I must say that I did lose interest very quickly when I was reading the background. But I’m unsure if it is because of me, or the background. Anyway! Still to help you out, I will give you some tips that you could keep in mind and perhaps bring adjustments to his background, and for future references:
 * Play around with the words, change sentences and do not cut the sentences too short off. I often see this happening by many users, even among the experienced writers. Sometimes a writer has to write longer sentences to keep a flow in the story. And, it does help you to keep the interest of the reader.
 * BUT! Never write too long paragraphs. The reader needs a short break, and to have one, you split your content up in paragraphs. (This is just a general note) And it keeps the reader from being distracted or lose focus.
 * Paragraphs do need a certain amount of words to be called a paragraph. In my opinion the minimum amount of words one should have is 150-200 words with a maximum of 350-400. Unless you can keep the paragraph interesting, and to what you’re telling, I’d say go ahead with a maximum of 600-700 words.
 * On the NF we make use of interlinks to another character or to the mother wikia for references. I saw names that had not been blued before, and perhaps I’d be interested to read him/her as well. It is also helpful to the reader to know that you are referring to another character, much easier.
 * There is one more thing I’d suggest to write the background better, but this is optional! Split the background up in different sections: “Early Life”, [“Imprisoned”] and “Cyrostasis Sleep”. If you’d do this, use the guidelines that I’ve mentioned above to help you out. You can [focus] at one topic. Make it more flowing and interesting for yourself and the reader. And, it will likely be more intriguing… imo.