Talk:Shinzō Aburame

Ash's Review
So, here's my review. It will follow the sections that you've laid out in your article, and will focus on the written presentation (grammar, spelling and punctuation), following that, it will focus on the content of the article itself.

Introduction
You probably didn't pick this up, but your quote: "Tsk, troublesome" isn't using the Template:Quote template and, thus, doesn't have the statement that Shinzō has said it nor does it appear very good on the page. But that's a minor issue.

Grammar Review: Overall tip, you appear to repeat verbs in sentences such as "was", which you might want to look out for. It stunts writing quality considerably.
 * "He was born to pure bloodline parents as he had a strong lineage to the Aburame clan." This sentence is oddly phrased; it makes it seem if Shinzō had birthed his own parents. It'd be easier to phrase it like this: "He was born to two pure-blooded parents of the Aburame Clan, therefore holding a strong lineage to the clan."
 * "Subsequent to his birth" would be easier read as "Following his birth"
 * "in his insects." should be "on his insects"
 * "If he was to lose them, he would become an average Jōnin, rather than the elite he was acclaimed to be." Was should be replaced with "were" because of grammatical conventions and the comma behind Jōnin is also unnecessary.
 * "It was some sort of mutation to provide them special powers that would assist him in battle." The use of "it was" contradicts the previous sentence which is a plural. Furthermore, the "was some sort of mutation" makes little sense. It would be better if you wrote along the lines of "They were exposed to factors, causing mutations to..."
 * "These mutations were a success. They resulted into breeding the insects and making a genuine breed of insects." Saying "breeding the insects" and "making a genuine breed of insects" sounds like you actually created them, which Shinzō did not. Instead, it would be better phrased as: "These mutations were a success. They resulted in Shinzō isolating and breeding these insects, eventually having them become a separate species." especially considering you are talking about insects, after all.
 * "as there was circulation", given the context you're talking about, might be better off written like this: "as rumors were circulated..."
 * "devoted for its requirements" The word 'for' makes little sense here, you should replace it with 'to'.
 * "A high tier shinobi, talented he was." makes little sense in the context you're putting it in. You might want to merge this in better with the previous sentence or remove it altogether for a bit more fluidity.

Paragraph Review: Given the nature of introductions, I will simply comment on the separation of your paragraphs and the overall nature of the information that you express and how that may be improved.
 * Firstly, the last two sentences of the first paragraph seem rather odd. While the other sentences obviously focus on his current situation and give an exposition to his background, those two suddenly shift the focus to his previous motivations, which can probably put the reader in some confusion.
 * There's little use of conjoining words such as "As a result", "However", "Due to this", "Consequently" and the like in your sentences. As a result of this, your sentences seem very out of place with one another. This is especially true in the second paragraph, where you move from "if he were to lose them" to "As he developed his fighting style" while giving no indication to the reader that you're changing topic, which is something you want to avoid at all costs in a single paragraph.
 * You do the same thing again. You move from past to present this time without any warning. "He was placed in the sensory squad..." moves to "Most would say he's", making the sentences seem cluttered before moving back into past tense with "as he used his..." So you're best off working on that.
 * The last paragraph, overall, seems to be a bit of a mess. You attempt to summarize the previous paragraphs but you seem to do it poorly, especially considering your use of tense and odd sentence structure. Consequently, it's difficult to read and understand. You'd be best removing this or simply trying to phrase it so it actually fits in with the previous paragraphs.

Content Review: The content you're expressing, in terms of Shinzō's character as a whole, is rather interesting. An absolutely devoted member of the Aburame Clan whose personality strays away from the norm. Admittedly, the exceptional talent that Shinzō is makes him seem a bit cliché given the plethora of characters you have made which have similar backgrounds, however, his strong focus on his goals is still a good technique to use.

Overall: While the content of the article, at this point, is relatively good, the article is hampered by the odd phrasing, jumbled up tenses and the lack of connectivity within the wording itself. I'd suggest you primarily focus on this.


 * More Coming Soon...

Ashy (Welcome! ) 11:16, October 8, 2014 (UTC)