Board Thread:Naruto Fanon's Review Board!/@comment-25208144-20150530045156/@comment-3030647-20150531000323

Rightio, here it goes.

Introduction: While not a bad introduction, I do believe you've spent a bit too much time describing Senjō's abilities and beauty, rather than concretely describing her as a person, her motivations, etc. So, that might be something you want to focus on, I dunno.

Appearance: Well...she's pretty. But while she's well-described and whatnot, I feel like there's a lot of emphasis put to her beauty that doesn't exactly seem to be appropriate. For example, the informal language seldom placed (wink-wink being an example) extending to the considerable focus on her body proportions sort-of detracts from the formality of the writing. Nevertheless, I would recommend going into detail about any specific aspects of her clothing she might wear as a memoir, or something, I dunno. But that's about it for that.

Personality: Rightio. You've said this was your favorite section, though, I'd personally disagree. You've done a good job in describing how Senjou became the woman she is, as well as her current attitudes but...they seem very binary to me. By that, I mean, they seem very opposite of one another with no concrete middle ground that they come back to. I'm under the impression that you'd need to describe this "Red Sun" a bit more. Flesh out reasons and mannerisms, when and where she is under this persona. Then connect it to how the Blood Diamond and her Seductive Side were born. Especially the latter, given that it appears somewhat disconnected from the other sections in my eyes.


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