Thread:Kasumi12346/@comment-4869113-20170306193552

Introduction

I personally find the Introduction very difficult, because I don’t often know what to include or exclude to be honest. This introduction, I feel is nearly perfect content wise. Now, just some grammatical stuff like, “On that day a group of Missing-nin slaughtered nearly the entire village and kidnapped her along with the other child and then used her as a lab rat,” would be “On that day, a group of Missing-nin nearly slaughtered the entire village, kidnapping Otohime and the other children with the intention of experimenting on them.” That is a little more formal and sounds a little better in my opinion.

Appearance

The appearance section is extremely difficult to read just because the clauses aren’t separated. “Her demeanor and presence rarely leaves people guessing what she is feeling because more often then not she is wearing it on her sleeve.” That statement needs a comma. I had to read it over like 3-4 times just to get what it said. Then, what’s super confusing is this. “It is for this reason that it changes a lot. Sometimes it reveals nothing giving Otohime a very sage-like demeanor that reflects on her peerless mind. If she is angry her demeanor becomes very intimidating and demonic, often causing people to see a visage of a mighty dragon standing over her.” You say she doesn’t wear her emotions on her sleeves, but then proceeds to say her facial expressions change a lot to match her emotions. So, I guess, which one is it?

“Contrary to the rumors, Otohime is of average height and her physique is more reminiscent of an eighteen year old than a twenty year old.”

Why is the twenty year old necessary? In addition, what does it mean to have a physique of an eighteen year old? What does that look like? Wrinkles, no wrinkles? Describe it. Don’t tell us, but show us.

“Otohime's hair has been noted to be very Uzumaki-like and her large reserves of life-force and chakra make it seem even more so.” I would write, “Because of her large reserves of chakra and further implied because of her long, red hair, Otohime is often mistaken as a member of the Uzumaki clan.”

Personality

In short, I would try to nail down traits she has. I understand that backgrounds cause shifts in personality, but I wouldn’t do it too extreme. For example, your short temper theme is good to have whether or not she becomes introverted or extroverted, you know? That’s perfect! But, this idea of being dependent, but then not trusting people, is VERY VERY weird and doesn’t really fit into context if you ask me. So, try to make that a little less big of a difference. Maybe just one personality switch would be better. But, remember, keep themes, like the anger for one. The real issue with the section is that it’s not very consistent, and she switches “personalities” too much. If you want her to act a certain way, you should make a section about her “Acting”. Right now though, it’s a little too confusing.

Background

“This was not an ordinary boy however, his name was Hoori Senju and he was the only Child of Chakra in the entire village. While he was much smaller than Otohime and the other kids he was also a lot stronger than them as well so it came as no surprise to Otohime when the kids retreated.”

Was the village aware of his heritage? I would throw in a sentence about whether they were aware that he was a Child of Chakra, or whether they respected him for it. If he’s a character you have in creation, then don’t go too in depth.

“Things were finally beginning to take turn for the better when the village was attacked by a group of Missing-Nin three years later.” This is a weirdly worded sentence. I think you mean, “Things were finally beginning to take a turn for the better, until the village was attacked by a group of Missing-nin.” Also, you already mentioned her being six years old in the history, and in the introduction you claimed that she was kidnapped when she was 6. So, unless it actually happened when she was 9, I would correct that sentence by removing the three years later. You might’ve meant three months later. If not, then fix the introduction.

“Otohime naturally decided not to kill them and her capturers responded by not letting her out. Two days passed and Otohime was still in the room. She had not had anything to eat or drink during those two days and she knew that a third day without water would kill her. As morning turned into afternoon and afternoon into evening Otohime's fear of death caused her survival instincts to kick in. Otohime stood up and approached the two kids and as she did so the two kids stood up and walked towards her in a single file line. The child closest to her didn't stop walking until he ran right into the kunai. Whether the kid did it out of thirst or the fact that he couldn't handle the stress of knowing that death is inevitable, Otohime would never know. As the first child's body fell to the floor the second child did the same thing, causing a large pool of blood to cover the floor around Otohime. Feeling helpless once again, Otohime collapsed and began to cry. She cried more than she ever had and possibly ever will. After a few minutes, her capturers entered the room and took her to another room that looked a lot like a jail cell.”

Okay, this entire um…paragraph is weird. They just all kill themselves, like what the fuck? Is this her Kekkei Genkai? Is she able to cause hypnosis onto people? Please explain in this paragraph! Also, another question. How did this captors know who or whom had a KG? Did they plan to use this exercise to awaken the KG in the children who had them or naw? Idk, let me know! Explain that too. “This chakra of his had a lot of similarities to a tailed beast's chakra and she realized for the first time that if one wanted to create an artificial tailed beast a Child of Chakra would be very useful.”

Ah, so the bandits are using Hoori to create an artificial tailed beast to inflate Otohime’s KG.

“Two more years passed before the tailed beast was fully created. Soon after its creation a group of shinobi sealed it into Otohime's body. They told her that it was sleeping and it just needs to feel a powerful emotion from its host. They warned her that if she was unable to awaken the tailed beast by herself they would force her to. One week passed and he tailed beast was still asleep. Just like the Missing-Nin warned, they forced Otohime to experience a powerful emotion. They did this by killing Hoori in front of her.” I would explain this a little more. Why exactly does it need a powerful emotion? Why wouldn’t it just be awake or something? Just explain a little more.

Abilities

The Ocean Release Kekkei Genkai is a very weird Kekkei Genkai if you ask me. The Yang “life giving qualities” doesn’t really add “qualities of the ocean” to me to the water. I have no idea how you get Ocean release from water and yang, and I would have recommended elaborating, but I don’t even think that will help, because the ocean release then just doesn’t even seem any different than an exceptionally talented water release user. Kisame crafted an ocean easily, and Tobirama could conjure water out of nowhere. The Hozuki can pretty much do that. I would’ve just made her a member of the Hozuki Clan, because then the thirst she had to endure during the days she was in the room with the other children that sort of killed themselves would be more meaningful. I can’t express how much I disagree with the ocean release, just because it’s not all that helpful, or at least not more helpful than just being a hozuki, so I’ll leave it there.

The second part of it, with the aquatic animal life, again can be fulfilled pretty easily with just the Hozuki clan. So, yeah…. I’d leave that out.

“As such, Mizuchi and Otohime have been on good terms since day one. This friendship of theirs gives Otohime great control over Mizuchi's tailed beast chakra, allowing her to enter her various jinchūriki forms with relative ease.” Yeah, I think everyone realizes if the TB likes their host, it makes it easier to host their powers. Yet, that’s easier said than done. Why exactly are they on good terms?

Taijutsu section is straight forward and pretty good, so that’s actually fine. Now, the next section is a little iffy. Again, why did her tailed beast teach her how to use its power. In fact, if it’s a tailed beast younger than her, how is it aware of its own strengths? Does it just instinctively know how to use it and if it does why?

“It is known as Dragon Arts. The Dragon Arts is a subcategory of Ninjutsu rooted in martial arts and focuses on the release and control of raw chakra with nothing more than sheer willpower”

Now this is super weird too. How does willpower play a part in this? Chakra is affiliated with the mind, so why not just have it be done with chakra control? There is no difference in your psychic control and actual chakra control, it’s all done with the mind’s control over one’s spiritual energy. The Psychic Ability section is just entirely nuts and doesn’t fit with Otohime’s skillset at all. I would just get rid of it. The water release section is probably what the ocean release section should be, or rather the ocean release section should be in the water release section. Also explain hydroportation. “Otohime's skill with Yang Release is average at best. She typically uses it to give life to her Water Release techniques, making them just that much harder to deal with. She can also combine it with Water Release to perform Medical Water Release. Her skill with Yang Release when it isn't being used with Water Release is currently unknown because she has never used such a technique. When using Yang Release she needs mold her chakra into yang energy before releasing and controlling the yang energy.” Needs a lot more explaining. What does giving water life actually do? If it’s just using medical ninjutsu through the water, then say that’s what it is. If not, then explain what it is. Naturally, because she has incredible chakra reserves, it would mean it’s harder to control her chakra reserves. Now, since I’m assuming she doesn’t specialize in medical ninjutsu, her chakra, unlike tsunade’s, would be harder to control. And the tb can’t help either. So, I find it a little difficult to believe she’s good at genjutsu honestly. The Water Manipulation section should be in the water release section, and the mark of the sea would be replaced by the Hozuki clan’s ability. Her mental prowess section is super weird. Do you mean intelligence, because that’s all I could really see her awakening. Those psychic powers you gave her seem hereditary, which I don’t think fits with her that well. The draconic physiology is perfect, and fine. Fits well with her abilities, a draconic water dragon. Sort of reminds me of Atlas from Fairy Tail and the psychological trauma is a great section.

So overall on the character, well done! I think the Hozuki Clan is a better alternative honestly and fits better, and the psychic stuff needs to be cut back on or placed on a different character. If I gave the character a rating out of 100, I’d give her like a 82. It’s a B character, and really solid overall. Well done! 