Thread:KontonMan/@comment-26193148-20170305161856

For some reason this is not posting.

Here it is! Sorry I said a few hours and fell asleep, had other duties to handle that I could not escape *cough*. Remember what we talked about on chat, this is all constructive so please do not take anything personal. The nature of writing is forever changing. One of the greatest pieces of advice I read was that you write for the reader, not for yourself. Honestly that is one of the reasons why NF has slowed, people write for themselves and expect others to read it. No one is going to read 100k pages of shit you enjoy. You have to write what they enjoy, you have to captivate your demographic, your targeted audience. If you're a shounen guy who likes the shounen crowd, then you write shounen characters. If you like Seinin, then Seinin. Have a target and shoot for it. A seinin character in a shounen setting will have others ban you. And a shounen character in a seinin setting will lead to you being looked at as a fool. Whatever target you write for, keep in mind not everyone is going to like it. BUT that doesn’t mean their advice is useless. I don’t like Shounen but I can give you good advice because I’ve read Shounen manga growing up.

My Review; Now is the moment we've all been waiting for. I write reviews in terms of things ‘’I’’ think are important to improve. One thing I never do is criticize without giving a way to improvement. So every con has a way I think you can improve.


 * Fluidity


 * Timeline: If Yakedo is over 700+ years old in the current continuity, you might run into some timeline problems. From what I read, I could not find anything off the bat, but still, with such large lifespans you have a ton of shit to fill in and explain. I always prefer to use more controlled numbers or even make it a mystery. This way you save the stress of making sure shit fits together.


 * Grammar: I’m not a grammar nazi but there are some redundant wording in the article. I love to go through my new pages and just reread shit out loud. My teacher called it paper mumbling, when shit sounds weird outside our minds we tend to catch mistakes. I also say there are a few good users who are pros at wording. Dazz, Shads, Ash and Chart to name a few of them. I’m sure if you ask nicely they will help you. I’m noooot so good with grammar cause of my ebonics yo!


 * Mastery: Okay, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people have a character who easily mastered like academy stuff by observing. Even if he spent everyday watching them practice, without proper guidance, mastery would become almost impossible. Who explained to him the importance of hand seals, how to circulate chakra with pinpoint accuracy. Jutsu are different from Kekkei Genkai. Without a sharingan, you have to ‘’learn’’ the usage of a jutsu. Even Naruto’s usage of the shadow clone required a scroll written by the brother of its creator.  In Yakedo’s academy days, I would recommend that maybe there was a teacher who saw him practicing and failing and then decided to give him side lessons. Something like seeing a talented homeless child and giving him a chance. This can go further by tying into his personality and perhaps a tragic history. It gives him a slice of human life. Hell, since seven year old Yakedo wants to be Samurai so bad, why not have him like ditch the shin obi academy and study the samurai?


 * Skipping Details: I love your storytelling but never forget the Five W’s. How did he convince the samurai to teach him? What did he do? Did he beg? Pay? Display skills? You never want your reader to have black out moments in their mental movies. This is not family guy, don’t skip to the next scene.


 * Shinigami: I love the use of the Shinigami in writing. Many people forget that this is a supernatural force that has been proven to exist in the Narutoverse. So many techniques could exist, hell I have a few myself i plan on making one day. Your usage is refreshing. He didn’t seal the shinigami through some bogus means, not make friends with a being meant to only store lives. However, I would like to know why did the Shinigami choose him? Why does the ‘’shinigami’’ need a human’s help to kill someone? The key is to avoid power grabs. A power grab is simply adding something for power. I see the Shinigami as a useful tool in your writing, but I would say to really think...why and how...Maybe the Shinigami has a rival force or something? If Jashin exist and can give Hidan immortality, maybe this is a supernatural war being fought through proxies. Maybe another Shinigami stands in his way. Like really explore the ideas. Hell I would support Yakedo being to the Shinigami what Hidan was to Jashin.


 * Details: With that being said, as wonderfully written as this character is, i’m missing details. You do not want to just write what happened but also how. How did it end up this way? What caused it and the effect it had on people. It’s like reading a list of events vs reading an actual book. I’m not saying add thoughts and conversations, that’s rarely done correctly. But ‘’’describe’’’ how these things happened and were accomplished. How did he study a method of killing his Shinigami without a Shinigami knowing?


 * Study: Realize that everything in Naruto and Bleach is based off real myths and legends. Be careful with the lore you craft. I always say use the baseline myth as a opposed to something similar to the show unless you use the show’s lore itself. So in one section, I see that Shinigami each had a unique weapon. Now I’m not saying its too similar to bleach, but in Naruto its hard to prove that or give it support. If you make it your unique lore, then I say go in depth with that so my first thought isn’t Ichigo. Use the Shinigami’s red beads or the old knife he used to sever Hiruzen’s soul in part I. The best stories have historical root. A deeper meaning. Draw inspiration from the same sources that the Mangaka’s did.


 * Pictures; No Real life pictures. If you are good at writing, you can describe the scene well enough that the reader does not need pictures or gifs. Another thing is please allow my imagination to create imagery. I don’t need help lol. So yeah, keep pictures minimum. Want to step it up? Try to use characters that look alike. Nothing breaks immersion more than seeing Seito Kaiba on an article to display something that isn’t even that important. And honestly you don’t need so many pictures...no one is going to watch them and be like “ohhhh so thats what he meant by fast”

Guy wrekt Jewdara
 * ”His strength is comparable to that of Might Guy’s own strength when having opened seven of the eight gates.” I love you but no. No one is equal to Eight Gates. No one can match a human body under a jutsu’s usage.

We’ll definitely do some work together! 
 * Verdict: Definitely a nice character, something different in the cesspool of shit NF has become. I actually love this character and would love to see it blossom. The story is amazing, the concept is refreshing, I wouldn’t have imagined someone other than shads thinking about becoming the Shinigami. This was something similar to what he did way back when. I think with that feedback and some from others, Yakedo will definitely surpass mine. A lot of this feedback I didn’t follow writing my other characters, something I wish I did. So please forgive me if it seems harsh but believe me, I am loving this character.